I have been hesitating about writing what I am going through, well publicly that is, as motive is everything when putting stuff out there. A bad motive just stinks and a conscious person can smell the stench.
It is difficult to trust the process. I have to laugh as I have tried and failed so many times to explain to a new yoga student the process of purification. The process of purification is a good thing, but it seems like a bad thing, yet I am questioning that very process. My teacher has rolled her eyes at me so many times, "Helena, stop acting like there is a goal, an end point. It doesn't end. You cycle through and I hate to tell you this but you really haven't gotten that far." Spoken from someone who is in a place I can only dream of at this point.
She is right. I want it to end. I want there to be this point at which I am at the top of the proverbial mountain, victorious in my efforts (you can all picture that scene) rather than accepting the ebb and flow of the never-ending river of life. I want to trust what is bigger than me, bigger than this little drama we play out down here, bigger than my business or my bank account, but I don't. I do, but not with everything in my being. The only thing I have is practice. Yoga practice, not yoga perfect. The only way to practice faith, and I have known this for a long long time, is to remove everything that stands in the way of practicing. All the things we reach for to fill the space of distrust. It's a long list and not necessarily an obvious one. Humans are crafty at filling this space and most of us are not even aware of what we are doing. It needs to be pointed out to us, hence why we are here together. I love and hate that part all in the same breath.
In order to gain we have to be willing to lose it all. Easier said than done. I don't want to lose what I "have" but I am willing to on a big level. There is much to be said for simplicity though I doubt I have been designed for the simple life. I do plan to keep it simple as having is not having.
You're only as good as your last best effort. Not last weeks effort, nope that was last week. Today's effort. Effort is not always about doing but sometimes it's just about being. Being sick, being tired, being frustrated, being loved. Yep being loved, not the way we want to be loved, but the way love is supposed to be today.